


Someone You Loved

by eridol



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Hardly Any Dialogue, Heavy Angst, Lovers to exes - Freeform, M/M, POV Hatake Kakashi, Songfic, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, ex-lovers, like one line and it's from the song lmao, song: someone you loved (lewis capaldi)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24082606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eridol/pseuds/eridol
Summary: Kakashi had learned time and time again not to let his guard down in front of other people, but it was a lesson that had the tendency to get convoluted and muddled in his mind when he tried to apply it to his personal life. Rather than consistently staying away from people who could tear his walls down, he'd try to get as close to them as he could without letting his guard down and ultimately end up having his will gradually deteriorate around them. It was a bad cycle, and he was so in between on it that everyone involved always ended up getting hurt somehow- him, his old friends, his students, and now Iruka.He was too guarded to let anything flourish, but too desperate for love to kill anything remotely close to a relationship with someone who he knew would give him what he craved.It was his fault that things had ended.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35
Collections: KakaIru





	Someone You Loved

_I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me,_  
_This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy,_

  
Kakashi Hatake's hands were shaking. The cup of green tea that he was holding seemed to be staring up at him, taunting him. He'd never liked green tea, but Iruka had liked it, and so he'd acquired a taste for it, too. It was fruity and far too sweet for him, a fact that he found ironic as he stared back at the green liquid, which was moving around the edges of the teacup and kissing the lip of it in rhythm with the Jonin's shaking hands. Everything about Iruka had been too sweet, too warm for him- whether it be the green tea and rich desserts that the brunette had made or the kisses he'd pressed against Kakashi's forehead and the way he'd ran his soft fingers through the older man's silver hair.

  
It wasn't often that he sat like this, emotional and raw. Usually, it was after a hard mission or another one of his inimical nightmares, and usually, Iruka would be there to drape a heated blanket over his shoulders and make him a cup of warm milk, to tell him that everything would be okay. Of course, Kakashi knew that everything was going to be okay- as okay as it could be. No matter what happened to him, life would go on, and he'd been at so many low points throughout the duration of his life that he was sure he couldn't sink much lower. Still, it was better to have someone around who would tell him that everything would be okay because hearing it fall from the lips of someone he loved was much more reassuring than when he repeated the fact in his own head like a forced mantra.

  
_I need somebody to heal,_  
_Somebody to know,_  
_Somebody to have,_  
_Somebody to hold,_  
_It's easy to say,_  
_But it's never the same,_  
_I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain,_

  
Kakashi didn't cry. He wasn't the hot, frustrated, desperate kind of sad. Rather than that, he felt cold, raw, and overwhelmed, like he'd been dropped in a pool of ice-cold water without anything to protect him and left to sink. He was drowning in it, goosebumps rising on his pale skin, but he didn't cry. He couldn't cry. The Jonin struggled to keep his posture and face completely straight, rigid, afraid that if he allowed himself to cave forward or let those tears well up in his eyes, he'd fall apart completely. And maybe that was another mask he wore over the variety of emotional masks and the one cloth mask that kept his true feelings shielded from the prying eyes of everyone in his life, but even if the masks had begun to suffocate him, that was something he tried not to think about. Kakashi shook his head and pulled his mask down, raising the teacup to his lips, only to realize that the liquid was cold. Still shaky in his movements, he only ended up spilling it all over himself, the sweet substance dripping down his chin and splattering on his bare chest.

Kakashi simply rolled his eyes, not bothering with an attempt to clean it up, returning to how he had been just moments before, gripping the cup tightly in his strong but unsteady hands as his mind went back to Iruka. He shouldn't have gotten so close to the younger man. Kakashi was like ice, Iruka being the flame that he'd been around for too long, the flame he'd allowed to melt him down into nothing but a mess of the cold exterior he'd tried to keep up for so many years. 

  
Iruka was warm and soothing but hot and fiery at the same time, passion burning in those sparkling brown eyes and shining through the smile he'd always worn on his face- passion that Kakashi had slowly extinguished over time without even meaning to. Kakashi was the exact opposite; cold and unsettling, icy and apathetic, but Iruka had managed to love him back then regardless. Back then wasn't that long ago- it had only been a week since they'd broken up, but for whatever reason, it seemed like it had been years. Then again, every day he'd spent with Iruka felt like a minute with how fast they'd flown by, and every day he was learning to spend without Iruka seemed to drone on for so long that they felt like they took years to end, the concept of time losing meaning the more Kakashi tried to associate it with his ex-lover. 

  
_Now the day bleeds,_  
_Into nightfall,_  
_And you're not here,_  
_To get me through it all,_

  
Kakashi glanced over to the window, which was open, the sheer curtains pulled aside to give him a good view of the outside of his apartment. The sky was like a painting, orange and light blue with bold strokes of crimson red- a sign that it would be cloudy that night. Maybe there'd be rain. Hopefully, it didn't storm, though. As soothing as Kakashi found the thunder, Iruka had always hated the noise. 

  
_I let my guard down,_  
_And then you pulled the rug,_  
_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved,_

  
Kakashi had learned time and time again not to let his guard down in front of other people, but it was a lesson that had the tendency to get convoluted and muddled in his mind when he tried to apply it to his personal life. Rather than consistently staying away from people who could tear his walls down, he'd try to get as close to them as he could without letting his guard down and ultimately end up having his will gradually deteriorate around them. It was a bad cycle, and he was so in between on it that everyone involved always ended up getting hurt somehow- him, his old friends, his students, and now Iruka. He was too guarded to let anything flourish, but too desperate for love to kill anything remotely close to a relationship with someone who he knew would give him what he craved.

  
It was his fault that things had ended.

_I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to,_  
_This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you,_

After three years of going up, down, sideways, and every other direction aside from forward, things had ended in a way that still made Kakashi sick when he thought about it in detail.

  
The Jonin would've liked to think that their relationship had been a good one, but he knew that was one of the pretty white lies that had made everything come crashing down in the first place- Iruka had always acknowledged the problems and tried to fix them, and Kakashi had always swept them under the rug so they could stay and collect dust.

Iruka had cared too much, and Kakashi had too, but he'd never acted like it, so he'd come off like he hadn't cared enough- that seemed to be the main problem, which was only worsened by Kakashi's inconsistent moods. Half the time, he was cold and distant, and the other half of the time, he wanted nothing more than to live the life that Iruka wanted; that innocent, domestic dream the brunette had of them being a perfectly happy couple. Maybe they'd live together in a nice house with Kakashi's dogs, and Iruka would have a little garden outside- Kakashi would make dinner every night and they'd eat at the kitchen and talk about their days, then they'd sit in their rocking chairs in front of the fireplace and read their favorite books with a cup of tea before bed. One thing or another always managed to get in the way of that, though; their jobs, a war here, a battle there, a few more of their friends dropping dead like flies with every year that passed, money they didn't have, their students, and more often than not, Kakashi himself.

  
_Now, I need somebody to know,_  
_Somebody to heal,_  
_Somebody to have,_  
_Just to know how it feels,_  
_It's easy to say,_  
_But it's never the same,_  
_I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape,_

  
Kakashi missed being able to escape. He missed the good times and the bad, the late-night talks they'd have while watching the fireflies during the summer on the balcony of Kakashi's apartment and the arguments they'd have on those particularly rough mornings that would leave Iruka with red eyes and a sore throat, the afternoons Kakashi would bring Iruka lunch at work and the days they'd spend apart when Kakashi needed a break from the intimacy because of the commitment issues that were gnawing at him every time he felt like the relationship was trapping him despite it simultaneously being everything he'd ever wanted.

  
Kakashi knew that doing this to himself for what was now the fourteenth night in a row was akin to flipping through the pages of a tragic book he'd read a million times, a reminder that he couldn't get over how the story had ended. And it was true. Cold-blooded Kakashi Hatake couldn't get over how the story of him and Iruka Umino had ended, couldn't get over how badly he'd fucked up the only semi-good relationship he'd ever had. 

  
_Now the day bleeds,_  
_Into nightfall,_  
_And you're not here,_  
_To get me through it all,_

  
The relationship itself had been messy and chaotic despite the good times they'd had together, which were few and far between compared to the much more consistent arguing, trauma-bonding, and unhealthy coping that they'd made themselves suffer through almost every day. It was funny that he found himself missing the arguments and how they'd always make up afterward more than anything now that he felt like those times would never repeat themselves again. 

  
Before Iruka, he'd always liked the quiet. He'd liked the silence, the loneliness, because it gave him the time to sulk without anyone interrupting. But here he was now, drowning in it. The silence was taunting him just like the stupid fucking green tea, the disturbing stillness of it all wrapping its bloody hands around Kakashi's neck and sinking its dirty claws deep enough into his supple skin to break it and have him seeing red.

  
Kakashi still remembered the first time they'd met and every interaction they'd had after that, every date they'd gone on, every kiss they'd shared, every fight they'd had, every late-night they'd spent awake to comfort one another, but remembering hurt and a more unrealistic part of him wanted to find some way to make all of the memories go away because while there'd been a time that he'd struggled not to smile when he thought about them, now he was just struggling not to fall apart at the seams and come undone. 

  
_I let my guard down,_  
_And then you pulled the rug,_  
_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved,_

  
The silence was broken when his lap was suddenly covered in tea, which was now dripping out of the cup at a rapid pace, and when Kakashi looked down, he realized why- he'd held the fragile dish in his hands so tightly that he'd broken it for what was probably the third time that week. They were all Iruka's teacups, and Kakashi knew that the brunette would be pissed about their destruction when he finally got around to collecting his things from Kakashi's apartment, but the Jonin could only sigh as he began to gather the broken glass in his hands, ignoring how his fingers and palms were already cut from the force he'd unconsciously used to break the cup in the first place. 

  
Kakashi stood up and made his way to the bathroom, throwing the broken glass into the trashcan and looking around, though that only seemed to make everything worse. One of Iruka's shirts was still on the floor because he hadn't cleaned anything in his house in weeks, the Chunin's hair ties were everywhere with a few on the sink and a couple on the rim of the bathtub, the cologne he'd worn that Kakashi was still spraying himself with in a desperate attempt to keep his ex-lover's scent around him was sitting in its glass bottle on the back of the toilet tank's porcelain lid.

  
It was then that he realized he was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, ears ringing and head pounding from the splitting headache that began to take over and manifest in the form of an incessant throb all throughout his head and neck. When he gathered the courage to look at his reflection, he frowned, wanting to look away.

_And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes,_  
_I fall into your arms,_  
_I'll be safe in your sound til I come back around,_

  
Kakashi wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to make everything better if only for a few seconds, hesitantly meeting his own eyes in the mirror. It was times like this that Iruka would've hugged him in that warm, comforting way he always did when Kakashi was having an off day, and Iruka would've told him he was beautiful, too, but he was by himself now and he didn't believe the loving words Iruka had said to him enough to say them to the face that was staring back at him, so he remained stagnant and stared at the reflection he'd taught himself to hate.

  
He thought he looked pitiful if anything. His hands and fingers were still bleeding from the broken teacup, and even though the terms they'd ended on weren't great, he knew that Iruka would hate seeing him like this. Kakashi only continued to stare at himself for a few more seconds, dark eyes raking over how he'd grown paler, his cheeks sunken in and bodily features more prominent with the weight he'd lost over the past couple weeks due to not eating. Frowning, he pulled the mask that was hanging loosely around his neck back over his face so he wouldn't have to be reminded of what he looked like without it. 

  
His hands were still shaking, but as much as he tried, he couldn't make them stop. Frustrated, Kakashislammedd both of his palms down on the bathroom counter, immediately wincing when he felt the cold marble forcefully collide with his sliced skin.

_For now, the day bleeds,_  
_Into nightfall,_  
_And you're not here,_  
_To get me through it all,_

  
Kakashi looked out the bathroom window to see that it was fully dark, the sky that had been dripping with color just an hour or so ago now painted a blue that was dark enough to be mistaken for black. It was raining, too, the pitter-patter against the roof of the apartment making the silver-haired man let out a sigh of relief as the silence that had been consuming him just moments before was replaced with the sound of the raindrops hitting his window at a mind-numbingly steady pace.

  
_I let my guard down,_  
_And then you pulled the rug,_  
_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved,_

  
Deciding that he should get to doing something semi-productive, Kakashi sat down on the bathroom floor and opened one of the cabinets to pull out the first aid kit, mind going blank for a brief moment as he disinfected the glass cuts and wrapped the white, ribbon-like tape bandages around them before making the mental note that they were out of bandaids- no, _he_ was out of bandaids. Iruka wasn't there anymore.

_But now the day bleeds,_  
_Into nightfall,_  
_And you're not here,_  
_To get me through it all,_

  
After he'd patched himself up and wiped off the tea he'd spilled on himself, Kakashi stood up and left the bathroom, heading to the bedroom as he ran a bandaged hand through his hair, which he hadn't brushed in days. It was tangled, and his fingers got caught in it for a moment, which had him retracting his hand completely and letting out a frustrated huff.

  
_I let my guard down,_  
_And then you pulled the rug,_  
_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved,_

  
Kakashi reached his bedroom, opening the door and flicking the light on. Part of him expected to see Iruka in his bed, reading glasses on and back against the headboard with a book in his lap, caramel-hued hair falling around his shoulders in waves and matching dark eyes trained on the pages. Of course, Iruka wasn't there, and the bed was cold and empty like it had been since the brunette had left. It made sense, but it still had the silver-haired man taking in a deep breath as he attempted to keep his composure.  
The rain gradually came to a stop, leaving Kakashi with the silence again, completely unaware that Iruka was at his apartment, lamenting just like he was over everything that could've been.

_I let my guard down,_  
_And then you pulled the rug,_

  
Kakashi could only let a bitter laugh fall from in between his lips as he leaned back against his bedroom door, crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head.

  
_"I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved."_


End file.
